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Better Late Than Never
Peter’s heart stopped.
It stopped right before he quit his job to go buy a backpack from that camping store where the cute blonde girl worked; the one who he had always wanted to buy a backpack from, then ask her to grab her pretty, pink pack to go trekking together through the Nepalese mountains.
Peter’s heart started.
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I've done trecking in the north of Pakistan... That's where K2 and all those mountains are... Though never gone farther from Babusar pass...
This is so perfect what you write.. It's so peculiar isn't it your heart suddenly stopping and starting when you inten to change your life... I don't know why it's titled "flash fiction"... This stuff really happens you know... |
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Comment by: Nora - 2008-09-26 14:01
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Here's what I would do with that sentence:
It stopped right before he quit his job to go buy a backpack from that camping store where the cute blonde girl worked(,) the one who he had always wanted to buy a backpack from(;) then ask her to grab her pretty, pink pack to go trekking together through the Nepalese mountains.
I just swapped the comma and the semi-colon. I feel like the last clause was a little more independent than the second one, hence my suggestion.
I liked this a lot. I can feel his excitement and terror. What a buzz. |
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Comment by: JNeas - 2008-09-26 13:59
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| I don't know if it was intentional, but I like the symbolism of his heart starting again when he got the courage to change his life. Cool idea. I always wanted to go backpacking through Asia. |
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| thanks to everyone. I will work on tidying that long sentence up. One thing I was really trying to avoid was the word "and", but can see where you are all coming from. thanks again :) |
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| Only you can turn a 60 word *Max* limit, turn it into a goal for a single sentence, and actually pull it off. Looks like you took Mark's pointer to heart. Well done, Mitch. |
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