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"Untitled" Part 2
As I heard my weighted feet crunch against the dry autumn leaves I crossed the massive backyard, making sure I stayed in the house's shadow constantly. Looking around the yard as I silently inched along, the thought struck me that it looked almost like a midnight terror carnival. The rusted swing set basking strangely in the full moon's glow and the eerie silver grass almost made my mind transport itself into a Wes Craven novel. The thought of It alone was enough to make me shudder uncomfortably.
Jerking my head I shook myself from the terrorized image my mind had made. Keep on task old man, just get this done and it'll all be over. The thought of a peaceful retirement softened my mood, and I made it to the rain gutter on the side of the house. Taking another deep breath I grasped the cold pipe in my abled hands and shimmied slowly to the roof of the porch. My breathing was slightly heavier as I alighted on the roof tiles. Not near in the shape I was ten years ago I thought with a frown, crouching low so I wouldn't be visible through the window on my side. As I made my way to the second window above the shadowed porch I saw a soft glow coming from it. It was the girl's room. Curiosity took over my mind, and I wondered what in God's name it could have been. It certainly wasn't on when I was scoping her room from the front of the house. I reached the outcropping of the window and peeked cautiously into the room, tense as a bow string.
My breathing returned to normal and I quietly laughed at myself for letting paranoia get to me. It was only her TV. Pushing the cracked window so it wouldn't make a sound I peered around the room to make sure the coast was clear.
As soon as I had one foot in her room I heard the piercing growl of a dog.
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Comment by: - 2006-03-09 19:40
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| Ok I made a few alterations, hopefully it's better than the first draft =). Thanks so much for the helpful tips on making it better - I really appreciate it! |
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Comment by: Teri - 2006-03-09 08:26
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Hi, again,
I'm enjoying this tale as it unfolds. A few suggestions:
You don't need the ellipses at the beginning since you have included "Part 2" in the title.
back yard - one word
Looking around the yard as I silently inched along the thought struck me - comma between "along" and "the" or it sounds as if the narrator is inching along a thought :)
I know the rule of adverb usage has been relaxed somewhat, but there are a few too many here. Using the above phrase as a reference, you could reword it as "... I inched along in silence,..." or "with silence". Something like that.
into a Stephen King novel. - JMO, but I think you can come up with a better horror author. Sorry, but King doesn't do it for me in this story. It may be my own personal opinion of him, but that reference weakened the mood you had going up to that point. Again, this is JMO.
You don't need "that's when" in the last sentence. Just a comma after "room".
Great work again! Feel free to let me know when you've uploaded more as I'd love to continue reading this. You have my attention! :) |
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"We The People"
After dozens of cities are destroyed by nuclear bombs, a group calling itself 'The People' issue demands.
They want the militaries of the world to disband.
The CIA has only the video demands to work with but must find the enemy quickly because governments are starting to comply.
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