Sarah's Problem - Wee Challenge #48
“Hi, Sarah.” She chimed as she strolled into the room, turned and faced the mirror with a smile.
Sarah paused, mascara clenched between her poised fingers. She gaped, rolled her eyes and continued brushing her lashes.
Jasmine cleared her throat, “I said, hi.” She frowned, waited for a reply.
“Yeah.” Sarah spat, capped the mascara and shoved it into her handbag.
“Okay, that’s it. Look, Sarah, I’ve gone out of my way to be nice to you. Just be straight with me, what’s your problem?”
Sarah pressed, rubbed her lips. “You,” she shouldered her bag, sighed. “You’re my problem, Jasmine.”
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-10-31 07:05
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Natalie, I'm in a mad rush - hope you don't mind if I do a wee quick punctuation edit (if you do, you can just cyber punch me):
“Hi, Sarah,” she {though it would be better to say Jasmine's name here} chimed as she strolled into the room, turned and faced the mirror with a smile.
Sarah paused, mascara clenched between her poised fingers. She gaped, rolled her eyes and continued brushing her lashes.
Jasmine cleared her throat. “I said, 'Hi'.” She frowned, waited for a reply.
“Yeah,” Sarah spat, (you did mean she spat the words, yes?) capping the mascara and shoving it into her handbag.
“Okay, that’s it. Look, Sarah, I’ve gone out of my way to be nice to you. Just be straight with me, what’s your problem?”
Sarah pressed, rubbed her lips. “You.” She shouldered her bag, sighed. “You’re my problem, Jasmine.”
******
It was the punctuation in speech that was the problem - commas for tags, full stops for action tags.
Okay, pickiness aside, yes, really liked the tone and the bitchiness. I'd love to know what triggered it.
Thanks for the read (and sorry agian about the quick edit).
Cheers
Karen |
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Someone's pissed...
Good opening scence. I like the way you just built that irritation. Man, she was bursting to say it. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-10-09 06:30
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| Very realistic scene, I could really feel the tension mount. Good job, Natalie! |
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Comment by: DavidHe Online- 2008-10-08 18:01
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| Well written! Best wishes. |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-10-08 15:36
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Clear the room -- cat fight! ha ha
Yeah, like Jason said, good opening scene. Could feel Sarah's growing irritation at being forced into saying the last line. :) |
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