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Short Changed - Wee Challenge #48
“I’m feeling generous today, so I’ll let you off, again.” He popped a cigarette in his mouth, flicked his lighter open.
“What?” The girl stuttered, straightened. “You can’t smoke in here.” She broke eye contact and busied her hands with an uneven pile of magazines.
“Uh huh.” He replied, chuckling to himself.
She scrunched her face, looked up at him. “You’re letting me off, what?”
The man shook his head, watched her squirm. He offered a harmless smirk. “This is the second time this week you’ve short changed me.” He snorted. “I reckon you owe me 'bout five dollars.”
“Oh.”
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-10-31 07:12
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Ah, she's caught and he's arrogant - nice pair.
Not sure you need the 'oh' at the end - his line is a stronger finish.
A few of those speech tag punctuation things again. They should be:
“What?” the girl stuttered, straightened.
“Uh huh,” he replied, chuckling to himself.
“This is the second time this week you’ve short changed me,” he snorted.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-10-10 06:53
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Good work, Natalie! The dialogue is unique to the characters and their actions enhance it. One suggestion:
"What?" The girl stuttered, straightened
(I'd swap THE GIRL for SHE
"What?" she stuttered) |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-10-08 18:09
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| I got a good feel for your characters personalities through the dialogue. Nice job. |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-10-08 16:14
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| Thanks for the pointers, I'll make those little changes. Glad you enjoyed =) |
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Comment by: MorganO Online- 2008-10-08 16:07
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| Nice one! Both characters seem well defined in such a short word count. One small thing- straighten should be straightened and contacted should be contact. |
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