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SEEING DOUBLE
Hey, this is a section of my baby story 'Seeing Double'. It needs many a improvement, so would love to hear from anyone, to see what what you all think...thankyou!
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[At twenty to eight, I got home from Katie's.
And what an idiot I'd been to even start believing, that Dad was going to be out of our lives for good, just cause he'd been gone for two weeks. The moment I stepped into the driveway, and saw his Holden Commodore, I smelt trouble.
As I raced up the front steps and into the house, I heard Amy scream. Then Mum. Then Dad was shouting. They were all in the kitchen.
Mum was near the sink, crying and holding Joey. Amy cowered behind her. Dad stood menacingly just a few metres away from them.
Mum saw me, 'Michael, baby ' '
Dad stared at me, 'Get out of this ' '
'No. Mum, what's goin' on?'
Dad gave me a shove back, 'I said 'get out' ' '
'And I said 'no'!' I narrowed my eyes, 'Mum?'
Mum turned to him, 'I would rather die than let you take my two babies away, Jordan!'
'You see this paper, Maria?! You see it ' all in black and white; they're my children ' '
'You ain't takin' them nowhere!' I quickly picked up on the situation.
Dad whirled round to face me, 'Didn't I tell you to get out?!' He roared at me.
'Didn't I tell you, that I'd kill you next time you set foot in this house and hurt ' '
Dad lunged at me. I ducked and retreated back into the hallway.
'Jordan!' Mum screamed, 'Jordan, don't!'
Scared, as he approached me, I fumbled for the knife, than remembered I'd taken it out of my pocket, the night Mark had brought the kid's home.
My pockets were empty. Apart from a small photo of Katie and me, that is. We'd taken it at one of those instant photo shops in the city; I was standing behind Katie, my arms around her, chin on her shoulder. Our smiles stretched from ear to ear.
The photo fell, and I instinctively reached down to pick it up. That's when Dad's fist knocked me over. I fell, startled, and the next thing I knew was that he was on top of me, pummeling and shouting. Amy and Joey were screaming so loud. Mum was sobbing and shouting, trying to get him off me. But he just kept at it. Kept at it, until he began to lose energy.
When he finally did, it was over.
He marched out of the house. Heard the squeal of tyres as he backed down the driveway. Mum knelt down beside me, sobs racking through her whole body. She didn't know what to do. 'Baby, baby ' '
Amy's and Joey's screams were terrifying.
I turned over onto my side, slowly, then told Mum to just leave. Just to leave me alone.
Amy's and Joey's screams became even shriller when they saw me spit out blood, making my ears start ringing.
'Michael, baby ' ' Mum was hysterical, as she tried to lift me up. I pushed her away, coughing and trying to bring my legs up so that I could get up somehow.
'Go!' I found enough strength to shout that out, 'Get them quiet before the neighbours call the police.'
I got up on my own, and holding onto the walls went into the bathroom.
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Very dramatic and moving writing. I think you have a great style and skill.
"One more thing: A thousand pages? No one publishes books that long anymore. If you're just starting out, why not begin with something shorter to see how you handle it first?"
1000 pages. Well done. I find nothing wrong with epic stories.*smiles* As long as they hold interest and maintain plot. Though for publishing, if you can break the tale into parts... it is a good idea. |
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Comment by: Ala M - 2005-05-23 21:28
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Written by: Eoin - 2005-05-06 14:29
You have packed some intense drama into these 600 words. Your sentences are short and punchy, and your descriptions are graphic. I get the feeling the adrenaline was pumping when you wrote this scene. That's a good quality to hold on to.
This extract needs a little editing. Your paragraph structure is a little random - particularly around the episode with the photo falling on the floor - and there are a few typos to iron out.
But this is worth going on with. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for the read.
NOTE: The above comment/advice, was in my 'Brandy Moore' account, which I have cancelled. I transferred these comments, so I could look back upon them and take to mind what needs improving. |
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Comment by: Ala M - 2005-05-23 21:25
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Written by: oglejames - 2005-05-06 22:51
Hi, welcome to the site. There is a great deal of intensity here, which is really good. You can feel the conflict and get a sense for the characters already. But the pharagraph structure or lack thereof, is distracting. It might have something to do with the way your text has uploaded. You can go back in under your edit function and correct it. It would also be helpful to put spaces between paragraphs to help your readers.
One more thing: A thousand pages? No one publishes books that long anymore. If you're just starting out, why not begin with something shorter to see how you handle it first?
NOTE: The above comment/advice, was previously under my other account name 'Brandy Moore', which I cancelled. |
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Comment by: Ala M - 2005-05-23 21:24
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Written by: vitaeb - 2005-05-19 16:54
This is an astonishingly vivid and brutal vignette, very cinematic. It must be a part of a larger piece, otherwise, standing alone, it comes across as somewhat derived. The imagery, the pacing, the treatment - all that is strong. I hope you create something unusual out of this beginnig.
NOTE: This comment/advice was previously in my other account 'Brandy Moore', which I cancelled. |
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Comment by: Ala M - 2005-05-23 21:22
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Written by: dennisweiser - 2005-05-23 18:03
This is worthy writing and deserves closer attention. A few observations:
for the knife, than remembered
<'than' ??> "then">
The photo fell, and I instinctively reached down to pick it up. That??s when Dad??s fist
<did i miss Michael's taking the photo out of his pocket? hard to fall to the floor without this prior event; the "That's when?" This construction is a cliche of narrative & should be used sparingly, for a unique effect of understatement or compression, preferably at the start or beginning of a section/chapter. It's a tag, or place-holder that substitutes for action. Raises unnecessary point of view issues that will slow the reader down. Simple description of the blow to Michael's head might be more effective.>
spit out blood, making my ears started ringing.
<"making?started" ??> awkward ungrammatical construction. eliminate one of the verb forms.>
??Michael, baby ?? ?? Mum was hysterical, as she tried to lift me up.
<It strikes me as curious that Mum utters the same line of dialogue when hysterical that she speaks earlier when crying and (presumably) calmer. Would "Baby" suffice?>
I pushed her away, coughing and trying to bring my legs up so that I could get up somehow.
<Mum is trying to life Michael to his feet. For Michael to push her away from a reclining position, while trying to bring his feet up, seems a tad contortionistic. Or would he yank his arm from Mum's clutch? Why "trying"? Unless Dad's blows have paralyzed Michael's legs, he ought to be able to get to his feet??perhaps woozily. Or slowly (awkwardly, clumsily).
??Go!? I found enough strength to shout that out, ??Get them quiet before the neighbours call the police.?
<"that out, "Get?" ??> "that out. "Get?">
You might want to take a look at a couple of the public fiction excerpts at my reading room ("Graduation," "Excellence," "Church of the Bleeding Nails").
Keep writing and good luck.
dennisweiser
NOTE: The above comment/advice was previously in my other account 'Brandy Moore', which I canceled. |
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