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Short Changed
Michael stared into his palm at the lonely circle of silvery metal. A quarter. Thirteen years old and this was all he got. The other kids had fifties and hundreds tossed at them. He got a lousy quarter a week.
The boy knew better than to complain out loud. He knew what his mother went through. Two jobs. Not enough sleep. She was killing herself for him and his sister. The dark circles and persistent cough made his head and heart hurt.
Michael closed his fist. If he saved enough, maybe he could get something nice for her for Christmas.
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Comment by: Light - 2008-10-17 20:05
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nice little piece of work here.... hmm im also a firm believer in the self-sacrifising nature of children lol.
the only con i would say sbout this story is that it needs to be worded more in a way that a thirteen year old would think. would definetly convey more depth .... |
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I like your idea, but right now it feels a bit awkward. Not so much in terms of a 13-year-old, not good at expressing himself, but rather it seems stilted, and the tone is mixed. For example, "persistent coughing," while a heart-tugger, is an odd phrase for a kid. "She kept coughing," maybe?
Also, these three sentences--
"Thirteen years old and this was all he got. The other kids had fifties and hundreds tossed at them. He got a lousy quarter a week."
seem like they should be *two* sentences. The extra "got" and the repetition of his allowance make it unnecessary. I'm not sure which needs to go; I would personally recommend melding them, though.
Sweet little piece, if a tiny bit cliche and overdone; the "noble little kid who sacrifices for his/her mom/dad/sick sibling" is a slightly hokey character. |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-10-14 15:13
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| I love your little mc wanting to use save up his *small* allowance for a gift for his mom. Like also that he's *aware* of her persistent cough. Awwww. So endearing. |
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| Hehe. Re-wrote that last line a couple of times to keep within the 100 word limit. I'll see what I can do to make it less awkward, but in other ways I like that it reflects the awkward thinking of a 13-year old. Thanks for the crits! |
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Comment by: JNeas - 2008-10-14 10:46
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| It's getting close to that time of year again, huh? I agree with Arley's correction. Considering the slumping economy, I hope I'm in shopping lines for my family, rather than bread lines for myself. You did well capturing the spirit of the holiday. Good write. |
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