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reokie13
Ray Star
United States, California, Redding

Words: 221
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Paradise of the Loved

She walks down the grassy hills,
and over the vallies,
looking up and down,
for her lost love,
in his letter he wrote,
he would be waiting in paradise.

She wears a shawl, and a dress,
with walking shoes,
and she has seen the oceans
and the oceans many tides
and the blue creasing
of the ever lightened sky.

She carries only a small box
of his letters that he wrote,
and her quilt
she made while he was gone,
to pass the time and to count
the days until he would return.

She also has a small gun,
to guard herself,
perhaps from wild beasts,
or the insanity of years
from which she searches.
She knows not the reason.

She has traveled many places
and has seen the lost faces
of many
who she doesn't know,
nor does she talk
to anyone.

She reads his letters
over and over again,
hoping for some clue
where this paradise will be.
but she can not
find any hint.

After many a year
of traveling and searching,
she finds not the place,
but the answer of
her love's riddle.
She knows.

She thinks about
the younger days,
and realizes what has to be done.
She kneels, and puts the gun to her head.
She is going to paradise
to see her love again.

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Comments  
Spinnekop Comment by: Spinnekop - 2006-09-06 13:37
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??vallies? = valleys
??oceans? = ocean??s - I would even consider replacing the second ocean with it??s as the reference to oceans before does not require the repetition. It would also enhance the rhythm in the poem.

Another lovely work from your pen. Again I??m having a little trouble with the structure. Perhaps not so much the structure as the pace within this poem. At times you seem to create a comfortable pace but then this is broken. I think that this could be ??improved? by cutting out words that hinder or burden the pace.

You certainly have lots of talent and I look forward to seeing you grow and developed into a well-rounded and crafted poet.
Comment by: - 2006-03-28 05:46
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Great poem. This is very powerful. I like how you describe how, why, and in what shape this woman is as she walks. I love these lines, "...to guard herself,
perhaps from wild beasts,
or the insanity of years..."

You've got a sad, but powerful ending. Good poem.
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By reokie13

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