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War
Tears of sulfer burn upon pale skin
where in which lies abandoned hope.
Driven to excess of this lifeless corpse
Wake me before I die.
Unbridled passion crushes the heart,
Consuming that which festers bright
Beating with a solitary heat
of shadows and whispers,
of misconstrued empitness,
of dark decay that eats all within it's realm.
There is a mission of light -
guns, war, hatred,
enemies of man,
man against man.
I hear the cries of war
I feel the pain of hardship,
loss of limps -
we stand isolated in a desert's calm
unable to reach beyond,
we melt to join the earth.
While the Goddess of truth
cries tears of stone
because to think of the reality of "why"
- is too eluding for our mind.
It is that simple to stop
and yet
no one does.
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Dear Karen,
I love the sentiment and the direction of this poem.
A couple of minor suggestions:
1) please correct "sulfer" to either sulphur or sulfur
2) please correct "limps" to "limbs"
Keep at it--you are headed in the right direction, assuming there is a "right" direction of course!
All my best,
James |
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| It's wonderfully idealistic but I can't help thinking that it dissolves into a bit of a rant at the end. |
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This is nice work, though I must admit, I don't like the way it ends. I think you could have ended it better. I felt like it sort of fell limp, as though it's strength was taken away.
War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothin'.
Anyway, also read the blurb on your main page. I've seen people say (and I believe this as well) that as soon as you submit your first piece to a magazine or a collection of poetry, etc, you immediately expose yourself to the world -- and in that moment, you have become a professional writer.
You don't have to be published to know that you're damn good. Keep writing. And you really are professional. After all, you're a writer who cares about your work. That makes you an expert of the words that come from your own heart. |
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Comment by: roy - 2006-08-11 10:36
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| Aaaa...so well written, so insightful and accurate.This poem is an explanation of thoughts and truth. Thank you, i am looking forward to reading more of your work! |
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| Beautifully written...I am sure many can relate to this poem |
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