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I was born under the moon of Sagittarius on December 14, 1980 to my proud parents, Stephen and Gayle Strom. My mother was quick to realize my incredible talents (building massive lego fortresses, quickly reading and identifying flashcards, etc.) and enrolled me in classes for gifted children at an early age. I quickly mastered the art of finger-painting and the games of Guess Who and Heads Up Seven Up, and became a regular Jim Brown on the playground, always picked first in P.E. or recess for a spirited game of soccer, basketball, or kick the can. I was the envy of every parent in the neighborhood.
Moving back to the United States in the mid-80's to spend my formative years, I soon became swarmed by flocks of female admirers. It seemed as if every girl in my class was waiting in line to hold hands with the "new kid", play doctor behind the jungle gym, or ask me if I liked her, please circle Yes or No. I usually circled Yes mostly out of compassion and pity, and not true love.
After brief stints with several clubs, bands, all-star teams, bmx biker gangs, seven piece orchestra sets, and traveling carnivals, I began to lash out against the truths made apparent by the culture of cool and my own mundane existence, "the punctual rape of every blessed day" as former Poet-laureate Richard Wilbur so eloquently described the feeling. I became vehemently anti-establishment, anti-eating meat, anti-Ronald Reagan, anti-everything. In a classic Freudian rage, I rebelled against my strict, yet loving military colonel father and began experimenting with mind-altering substances. It was during this time that I traveled the country in a truck supporting myself by selling grilled-cheese sandwiches, American Spirit cigarettes, and special brownies.
After several years of living off the generosity of others and their couches, I decided to seek out a spiritual master, and moved to Sri Lanka, where I met my yogi, the late-great Bashdi Rashdi Ali Ram Bass. I attained enlightenment after years of meditation and reciting apparently meaningless Zen koans. It was in this time I realized my full potential and became fully self-aware and selfless at the same time. It was here, under the limitless island skies, that I developed the unusual skill of being able to predict patterns in the foreign exchange markets by charting the patterns of sun spots and constellations. Despite my enormous successes in the stock market, my vow of extreme poverty ensured my humility and self-sufficiency.
Today, you can find me cruising around the suburbs of Wichita, Kansas in my forest green Range Rover, which is rollin' on silver 22's. I spend most of my days surrounded by my entourage of trick ass gangstaz and hos, who assist me in gardening and maintaining my 150 wooded-acre estate, which includes a private, Jack Nicklaus designed 36-hole golf course and wave pool. You may ask, "Kristian, why did you sell your soul?" To this I respond by quoting Shakespeare, or possibly Jesus- "He that doth live in earnest shall be given a bounty of plenty."
In my life, I have had many lovers, but to this day remain perpetually single. I have mastered the Kama Sutra, am a connoiseur of fine wines and exotic cheeses, and have acoustic guitar skills which rival that of the legendary Django Reinhardt, but have yet to find my better half, that one woman who will challenge me and excite me like no other. I believe in true love, and will go to any lengths to achieve it, but waste no energy in seeking it out. Under the advice of my guru, I have renewed my vow of celibacy until the day I wed my soulmate.
Recently, I had a vision that I will live an enriching and adventurous life until the age of 76, and in this year my fruitful, yet meaningless existence will come to an end and my soul vessel will take its rightful place in eternity. Godspeed, my brothers and sisters.
kristian64's Genres: Prose, Poetry, Creative Non-Fiction, Blog Articles
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